"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. "
“Tell a devout worshiper that his wife is cheating on him, or that frozen yogurt can make a man invisible, and he is likely to require as much evidence as anyone else, and to be persuaded only to the extent that you give it. Tell him that the book he keeps by his bed was written by an invisible deity who will punish him with fire for eternity if he fails to accept its every incredible claim about the universe, and he seems to require no evidence what so ever."