"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing."

"Who is Justice Beaver?"

"I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors."

""R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder' and not 'mukduk'"

"When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."

"You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep."

"Why are all these people here? There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."

"In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas."

"All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter."

"I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me."

"To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this... Maybe they have something against living forever."

"In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching."

"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"

"I don't believe you, continue."

"I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow."

"You couldn't handle my undivided attention."

"I saw 'Wedding Crashers' accidentally. I bought a ticket for 'Grizzly Man' and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater but I kept waiting. Cause that's the thing about bear attacks... they come when you least expect it."

"I am faster than 80% of all snakes"