With regards to recent … unpleasantness you may have heard about on some disreputable rumor-mongering networks, I am announcing today that I have decided to spend more time with my family. These are challenging times, and I believe that recent reports you may have heard about regarding certain "exotic performers" will only distract us in our business ventures going forward.

Furthermore, on the recommendation of my spiritual adviser I have decided to check myself into a clinic for Veldspar addiction, and my prepared statement indicates that I feel "regret" for any offense or injury that may have resulted from the effects of this terrible substance. In light of recent "financial improprieties" that my legal team has successfully settled without any admission of culpability, I have decided to dedicate myself to charitable works, notably my own private foundation, generously financed by unnamed donors with government connections.

I will not be taking any questions at this time.