The Internet is a big, scary place full of millions of people with sick, twisted fetishes. When it comes to the unwanted penetration of magical horses, I know more than every single one of them.

If I was in playing Jeopardy against Wikipedia and God and the topic of unicorn rape came up, I’d clear out the category before anyone else could even buzz in. That’s pretty remarkable because everyone knows God cheats at game shows. I’m the world’s leading authority on a subject only the most degenerate fringes of society care about. It feels good to finally make a difference.